[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
socratic questions
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour