Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Unexpected Judgment
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.