ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
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Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Canada has crack?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.