I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Bike is short for Bichael.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.