women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
We cut our bangs at dawn.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
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