[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When you’re Kinky but poor
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better