Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open