Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
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every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry