Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed