Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’