My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
*swipes right on my hand mirror