Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.