date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
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this post was so formative to me
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Wikigenius
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.