I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
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Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Happy birthday to all the women
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*