Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
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My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
#TopTip
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
i love modern commerce
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.