sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Is this you?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well