It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
These work great until they don’t.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff