Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice