Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
You Might Also Like
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
From Facebook just now…
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement