Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
is nasa ok
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.