You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.