Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
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Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.