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It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
BRO LMFAO
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*