“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
this is funnier than any friends episode
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class