[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Pass gas, not judgment.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see