Fabio hasn’t aged a day
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Simple
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.