“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Here’s a meme
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
that de-escalated quickly
what kind of cook setting is this??
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in