Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
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ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Jail
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!