DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.