A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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Expectations vs. Reality
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…