ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
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i wish i could marry a nap
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
😂💯
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
definitely did not do anything wrong
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.