the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time