“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*