Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me