I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
absolutely not
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*