Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
road rage
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My favorite farside!!
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?