Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not