9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours