where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.