The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you