I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
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I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go