My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real