News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence