[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
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ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”