Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
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I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.