*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
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Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo