most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.