*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
😂😂😂
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook