Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Jupiter
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah