I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My last name is Zilla.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.